The adventures of Flannery

I'm starting off this post with some pictures from December, because I told myself I was going to get the blog caught up to now and then Madison would arrive.

And although I don't believe in giving too much power to outside influences having the ability to affect the time of labor and delivery (I've had babies come when I was COMPLETELY unprepared and had nothing scratched off my to-do list, including buying diapers and a car seat !) ... I still want to scratch this one off. 

The same held true for my pregnancy journal the other night ... I have this long standing tradition of declaring that our unborn baby won't arrive until Sam has written a letter to him/her in my journal . It has rarely triggered spontaneous labor when the said letter is documented for future generations to read ... but it does make me feel that we are one step closer to D day. And also makes my husband feel that he is part of that process :)

So anyway .. Here are the December pictures, and if Madison delays her arrival for a few weeks, there are plenty more to come ..

I think I blogged briefly about our new tradition this Christmas (new to us, I mean.) I never wanted to splurge on the Elf on the Shelf package prior to this December because I'm cheap like that. But when I spotted a cute imitation elf for a just few bucks at a craft store, I caved. 

And I'm so glad I did because my kids - especially Hayden !!!- had SOOO much fun every morning waking up to see what Flannery had been up to during the night.

His first night here, he toilet papered the bathroom ... and left a note explaining that he would be back every night until Christmas to create mischief as well . 

His second night he created a disgusting masterpiece of leftover spaghetti, chocolate chips, marshmallow maties and pancake syrup ... Hayden talked for days about how silly Flannery was to eat marshmallows on his spaghetti :)

Another night Hayden's "guy-guys" (his name for action figures) held

Flannery hostage ...

And the next night Flannery took revenge ...

One morning we all woke up to see Flannery taking a leisurely bath in a sea of marshmallow bubbles, munching on an Oreo. (He really enjoys marshmallows, and found many ways to insert them into his nightly naughtiness !)

Another morning we discovered him flying in a toy plane on top of the living room blinds ...

He wrapped the toilet in wrapping paper ..

... drew mustaches and glasses and horns on our family Christmas photo ...

... left a message written in toothpaste on the dining room mirror ...

... had a marshmallow snowball battle with a Rescue Hero (Flannery lost) ....

... And covered him in leftover frosting and candy from our gingerbread house decorating party as pay back ...

For the most part Flannery was as naughty as could be - the depth of his depravity being an all night drinking binge. (White cooking wine was the only "adult beverage" he could find in the Rice Ranch pantry.) 

... but he did take one night off from his wicked ways, delivering a gift to Baby Jesus - with a sincere look of repentance on his tiny plastic face. 

He finished off the season with a ride on a stuffed Reindeer across our kitchen counter, leaving a trail of Hershey kiss poop cookies behind him ... but I spared you all the photo that memorialized that moment . You're welcome .

Our sweet little Elf left a handwritten farewell note for us all on Christmas morning, promising to be back next year with a new set of tricks up his sleeve . 

Hayden asked for days where Flannery went, and even now he talks about all the crazy things he did while he was here. 

We miss the little rascal, but we know he is resting happily at The North Pole, plotting and planning for next December- in the mean time we have our own little mischief-maker to take his place ..

:)

Be back soon with more pictures of our favorite month of the year ! 

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New Born Baby

Midnight ramblings

It's 12:32 and I am ... not asleep . 

No big surprise here !

Last night sleep came around 1:30 and lasted for about ten minutes . 

Contractions started, I was awake for a minute and then back to sleep for about nine minutes . Rewind, press play, repeat until probably four a.m.  which was the last time I checked my phone to see exactly how long I had to go until morning .

The night before was three thirty I think, four the night before that, and five a.m. the night before that . 

I guess you could say that pregnancy insomnia and I are starting to really get to know each other. Like on a first name basis .

For example, all of the Rice Ranch has been sound asleep for an hour or two while I've been tossing and turning and punching my pillow in frustration every night, when this conversation takes place ...

P.I. (Pregnancy Insomnia) : hey Patti, wanna pull an all-nighter again ??

Patti : well, we did that last night ... let's just party til four a.m. this time ?

P.I. : okay, I'll bring the restless legs and endless contractions, you just bring your warmed-up blanket and bowl of Rice Chex ...and we'll meet downstairs on the couch again ?

Patti : sure, just give me a minute to pull on some socks, pour my cereal, and pop my blanket in the dryer to warm it up .. see you in the living room in a few? 

P.I. : sounds like a plan - I'll be there waiting !

I really don't give in that easily every night, though .

 Sometimes I try to hold realllllly really still and breathe deeply and slowly, attempting to trick my body into thinking it's sleeping when it's really not. I refuse to acknowledge that I am wide awake, and resist the urge to find a more comfortable position. I count backwards from 700 all the way to zero, and count back up again . I count sheep, count my blessings, and count how many nights I have slept through the night in the past six weeks ... And I stop at one . 

And then in total frustration I get up and try a warm bath infused with my favorite Bath & Body Works bubble bath, falsely named "Sleep." Smells great but does nothing to combat pregnancy insomnia in my experience. My fingers and toes are starting to look permanently wrinkled from all the baths I've had in the past six weeks, and I've gone through half a bottle of "Sleep" since Christmas ... but at least the bath offers a reprieve from restless legs and endless contractions . 

I've tried Benadryl, Unisom, Chamomile tea, warm milk, cold milk, Percocet (for my kidney stone pain - helped the pain but not the PI), relaxing music, no music, going to bed early, going to bed late, reading something boring before bed, not reading anything before bed, sitting propped up, lying flat, pacing the hallways til I can't walk anymore, praying, praying, and praying some more ... and still sleep alludes me.

The nice thing about my last breakthrough (read my post Joy Comes In the Morning, a few posts back if you missed it) is that at least now I'm not battling fear during these endless nights.

 I'm not spending the wee small hours of the morning contemplating all the what-ifs of this pregnancy and impending labor and delivery.

 I'm not lying awake for hours biting my nails or crying or deep breathing my way through anxiety, I'm just ....

Awake. 

Soooo.... since refusing to look at my phone during these long stretches of sleeplessness has done nothing to help the insomnia, I've decided to turn my boredom into productiveness by ...

Blogging.

And depending on when Miss Madison decides to make her entry into this world,  

you may see a LOTTTTT of blogposts here on A Perfect Lily in the upcoming days. 

I have a camera roll full of unposted pictures, and who cares if they aren't current events anyway, right ? I'll just keep reaching back into the archives of never-before-revealed Rice Ranch photos  until delivery day if I have to ... and by the time this baby comes I'll have made up for all the blogposts I kept promising and never followed through on last year. If I fall asleep halfway through a post, I'll be back the next night to finish it off ... It will be like one giant Rice Ranch Marathon, from now until D day. I may bore all my readers to tears, but at least I'll have something to do for the next 20 nights until induction day (if we make it that long.) 

Are you ready ? Here we go !

 

This series of photos was from early December. No sooner did we return from our Great Thanksgiving Getaway at the coast, when Christmas baking and decorating and festivities began .. I don't know about the rest of you, but Haloween and Thanksgiving and December all seemed to run into each other this year with barely any breathing space in between. 

Maybe I'm getting older and the days are just flying by more quickly, or maybe with the varied age ranges of children now, our lives are becoming more complex - but whatever the cause, the last three months of 2015 were a blur. We tried to squeeze in every family tradition that we could, but some of them had to fall by the wayside for lack of time and lack of energy (pregnancy in my forties has been interesting to say the least!).

 I'm so grateful for kids who just went with the flow, and a husband who did half the shopping this year just to help me get through the holidays without losing my mind. 

And grateful for Pinterest - for supplying all those fake-it-don't-make-it holiday recipes for busy, frazzled moms like me .

Praise you, Pinterest.  I am forever indebted to your food boards, Amen. 

I'm actually starting to feel sleepy now, so I'm just going to dump these photos into this last half of this blog post and call it good . 

These are from Storybook Land, and if you don't know what that is , google it . I'm too tired to explain. 

It's 2:17 and my pillow is calling me,

so until this time tomorrow night ....

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Good night :)

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New Born Baby

Joy comes in the morning

I actually already have a blog post with this title in my birth story section (listed above in the tabs) ... but the phrase is so fitting today, I had to use it again . 

Plus one of my best friends was texting me this morning and said this, and it inspired me ..

"That must be why everything seems more intense at night when going through tough situations. Sleep deprived. Must be something to 'joy comes in the morning' ."

Which is why she is one of my best friends... she's down to earth and spiritual at the same time - my kinda person :)

If you read my previous post, then you probably can guess what happened last night ....

I SLEPT !!!!!!

This is one of those moments where I wish blog music were still a "thing" because I could have had Rocky's theme song playing in the background, timed just right so that when you got to my sentence "I SLEPT" the music would have crescendod (is that how you spell it ?) right at that point and you could have pictured me typing the words and throwing up my hands in victory - DUH DUH DUH !!!!! DUH DUH DUH !!! (Please go back and read those DUH's to the tune of Rocky's theme song if you didn't in the first place . Thank you. )

And I'm aware that was totally a run-on sentence, please don't tell Mrs. Miller, my third grade teacher. Or my kids, because I'm their 4th, 6th, 7th and 10th grade teachers. Bloggers get to make up their own grammar rules, I read it somewhere. 

Anyhoot - I slept for the first time in over a month almost allllllll the way through the night and I started off at around 9 pm and made it til 7 am and only got up ONCE to use the bathroom and if you've ever been nine months pregnant you know what a miracle that is ! I don't think I've been able to fall asleep before 3 or 4 or 5 am more than once or twice in the past month, so last night was like a gift straight from heaven .

And so were all of your sweet and encouraging comments on yesterday's post. With the exception of my sarcastic brother, who will probably be making jokes beside my casket some day if he outlives me. But that's why I love him too, and he's also one of my best friends. Everyone needs a sarcastic brother in their lives. 

So today I woke up - I kid you not - a new woman. It is ah-MAY-z-zing what good sleep can do for a person. I feel better physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually too. And I even got my sense of humor back, which is something I rely on to get me through the tough seasons of life . It (my humor) may be snarky and a little off color at times, but in the words of a very famous sailor - I yam what I yam. Snarky and syrupy and sappy all rolled up into one little ... well one ginormous at the moment ... Mommy to twelve. And I'm not even feeling bad today for spilling my guts on the blog, even at the risk of sounding like Wendy Whiner ! 

I'm going to post some old photos from

our family Thanksgiving getaway here because I'm pretty sure I never did ? I'm still blogging from my phone (still haven't gotten our desk top up and running yet !) so I'll just post these pics even if some may be repeats. Too hard to multitask and open safari at the same time as writing a blogpost - the blogger app sometimes shuts down unexpectedly and I don't want to thumb-type this post all over again .

Before the Thanksgiving pics though, just a few recent ones ...

I have my diaper bag packed and bunny's car seat just arrived today, my labor bags for my labor coaches are ready, and we are all happily anticipating the arrival of Madison Faith. I can't wait to see her in person !!!!

And if my blog music were still playing, hopefully the verses would have been the background for the previous paragraphs and now would be the chorus again to accompany this picture and words ....

Hayden is weaned !!!! (DUH DUH DUH !!!! DUH DUH DUH !!!!)

He has been officially nye-nye free for a month now - he found that binkie at the bottom of his toy box and plopped it in his mouth for fun, but he has actually been binkie free for several years now too. 

I was so nervous that he would not be weaned before Bunny arrived, and I don't think I could have physically kept up with tandem nursing . I know there are some brave moms out there , but my hat is off to you ... one nursing child is enough for me . 

And Brother, I apologize for that last paragraph, I know breastfeeding talk grosses you out . But I do put up with your weekly commercials for Crossfit via email and text so ... payback. 

And I'll keep my flabby arms, thankyouverymuch. 

And now, the long overdue Rice Family Thanksgiving Vacation Pics 2015.

We rented a lake house with Jason and Naomi and Josiah and Monique and all three of their children and all of ours and the house was SO big that we all fit in it and had a blast ! 

Being a lake house, it sat right on a - wait for it - lake. There was a cool dock and swing and Caleb brought our inflatable kayak and had fun falling in the freezing water the first day we got there . Kenzie had fun doing a maternity shoot for a very pregnant Monique and even got in front of the camera herself a few times ...

Sam attended to his traditional Thanksgivng task - peeling and slicing four pounds of Granny Smith apples for the pie ...

All of the children, big and little, spent the days taking advantage of the beautiful sunshine and acre of land that the house sat on. It was such an amazing time away, and so rare for our older boys to be off at the same time. They both work at the hospital as EKG techs so scheduling typically doesn't permit this on the holidays ... it was so special having all of our family in one place for three days. 

It's Wednesday evening and time to get us all out the door for our midweek church service . I'll try to post our Christmas pictures this week as well, and hopefully by the time I get the blog caught up to January it will almost be time to do a birth post . 

Love you all, and thank you again for leaving such thoughtful comments on the previous post . Xoxox 

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New Born Baby

mustard seed mama

Dearest Bunny,

It's 3:44 in the morning and I am still awake . It's a long story and this probably won't make much sense when I read it later- but I have to write or I'll lose my mind .

At the beginning of my pregnancy I wrote you a letter and told you that I needed a rope ...  because we had just found out you have Down syndrome and I knew there would be moments - maybe even nights - like these . Spaces of time when my thoughts were running too wildly and my emotions were getting out of control , and somehow I would need a rope to pull me back to the shores of safety and sanity. And I decided that writing was going to be for me that rope - the thing that would get me through it all. Not because I feared Down syndrome ... having walked through that diagnosis and raising your big sister for almost six years now, I feel confident about your future . But because of your diagnosis there are other concerns that can trigger fear - mainly health issues and things that can go along with that "magical extra chromosome" ... and I knew that at some point I was going to need a rope. 

And up until this point I haven't needed that rope so much ... Up until now it's  been pretty smooth sailing, and my letters to you have just been updates on how my pregnancy is progressing (wonderfully !) and what we have seen of you on ultrasounds (you're beautiful !). Up until this moment I haven't needed that rope to pull me back to safety, which is why I haven't written near as many letters to you as I did to your sister. Honestly, Bunny, up until now this pregnancy has been for the most part, fear free .

But right now I need my rope .

Right now I need something to hold on to, something to bring me back to the shores of safety, something to pull me out of the waters ... because RIGHT NOW ... I feel like I'm going to drown . 

So it's 3:58 in the morning and I've been up all night for probably the 30th night in a row. At least . Give or take a few nights when sleep was not elusive and the only time I woke up was to use the bathroom. (Five or six trips to the bathroom in one night is not unusual for this mom of many at the end of her pregnancy - so I don't count those nights as "lost sleep.")

But pregnancy insomnia is not something I've had to deal with at this level in any of my pregnancies . I had some nights at the end of my pregnancy with Hayden that were like this . But nothing that came close to the intensity of what I'm going through both physically and emotionally , and nothing that didn't resolve itself after a few nights of exhaustion . 

I've written about this in my letters to Lily in the past, but I'm writing about it again right now - so I can remind myself that this is what I do when I'm facing fear... I internalize it. I think it would probably be healthier to deal with things on the outside of my body - maybe cry more or scream when I'm overwhelmed with anxiety ?? Anything other than pushing down thoughts of worry or fear inside of me until they manifest eventually in physical symptoms ... which is clearly what is happening right now . Maybe it's pride that holds me back from admitting or demonstrating that I'm struggling ? Maybe it's guilt ?  Because I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to just trust God and pray and not battle these emotions .. and letting people see that sometimes I do struggle with that would be a bad testimony to anyone watching my life ? 

Whatever the reason, dearest Bunny , I am weary of pretending to be someone I'm not, and if nothing else, writing everything down is my way of dealing with whatever demons are assaulting my soul right now. Writing is my rope. 

And if writing and exposing those anxieties means letting people know I'm not Super Mom and I don't always handle my fears perfectly or in a way that is healthy or helpful ... then so be it. I'm human . My faith isn't always perfect, and sometimes - like this moment at 4:11 a.m. - it is as small as a mustard seed indeed . It's there, but it's fragile, and I need God to take what little faith I have and help me get through this moment. 

I need a rope. 

So here it goes, dearest bunny . Here's what is lying tucked away,  down deep in my heart, until this moment when it is obviously manifesting itself in a host of symptoms - insomnia, loss of appetite, and a plethora of other physical symptoms as well. Here are the dirty little secrets that I've been pushing to the back of my mind this month, hoping that by not talking about them I can make them go away . 

I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid you're going to die.

I'm afraid that because Lily was so healthy and because she had so few of the health concerns related to Down syndrome, somehow that means you are going to have them all .

It makes no sense, but I'm afraid that somehow I have to "pay my dues" and have a baby with all the issues Lily hasn't had . 

I'm afraid that all the ultrasounds we've had to check your heart for defects - I've lost count there have been so many - are wrong. I'm afraid that I'm going to be like the mom I randomly met at my doctor's appointment last month, who had multiple scans during her pregnancy that never revealed a major defect on her baby's heart . I'm afraid that because 50% of babies with Down syndrome have heart defects and because Lily had none, that somehow you have to make that statistic come true in our family ... even though I know we don't and shouldn't live by "odds." Rationally I know that doesn't make sense, but at four in the morning after a month of little or no sleep ... I'm not being very rational .

I'm afraid of labor, sweet Bunny. Me, the mama who LIVES for labor and the whole birth experience - I get high in labor for crying out loud, bunny. I have told everyone for years how much I love that special time, and how I feel closer to God than ever when I'm in labor - because I DO.

But I'm afraid . Afraid that somehow this time it will all be too much, I'm too old or my body is too fragile or that I just won't be able to enjoy everything like I normally do - I'm afraid of the unknown and what I may go through during your birth ... I am afraid that something will go terribly wrong and I'll lose you .

I am afraid that I love you too much and I that I am too happy and thrilled to be carrying another baby with Down syndrome - and somehow that joy and anticipation is going to be destroyed . I'm afraid that if something happens to you I'm not going to be strong enough to handle it, and that somehow I'll lose that mustard seed of faith I'm clinging to right now . I'm worried that if something happens to you I won't be like the strong moms I know who have walked through the loss of a baby and been shining examples to everyone of what true trust and faith and confidence in God looks like in the midst of incredible suffering and pain . 

I'm afraid I wouldn't pass that test .

I'm afraid of thinking I have this whole Down syndrome thing figured out, I'm afraid of falsely believing we have walked through all the emotions of it already , and that there is some unknown "thing" I haven't gone through when it comes to parenting a child with special needs.

I'm afraid that somehow my confidence and joy in the fact that you share Lily's diagnosis is going to be shattered when I get to that unknown . 

And isn't that the essence of true anxiety anyway ?

 It doesn't have to have something solid to hold onto, it doesn't require facts or proof that a problem does indeed exist - it is fear of the unknown . It's an overwhelming sense of impending doom, and even when I have months of good doctor visits amd healthy ultrasounds and all the reassuring words of our team of doctors to call to memory at four o'clock in the morning ... It doesn't matter because anxiety is not rational . It goes beyond what is known and reaches into the unknown , it takes every "what if"

imaginable and turns it into a certainty in my brain. 

It robs me of reason and joy and a sound mind , and in their place it leaves a gaping hole of worry and doubt and unbelief . It is the thief that wants to steal my happiness over YOU little Bunny, and it is threatening to drown me if I let it.

I prayed before I started this letter, Baby Madison. 

I prayed that somehow God would get me through this moment, that somehow He would put me on someone's heart and they would call or text me in the middle of this seemingly endless night to encourage me, and that somehow that would be an anchor to my soul. 

I prayed for God to reach down from Heaven and help me. 

And you know what He did ?

He gave me a rope .

So here I am , writing this letter to you and pouring out my heart and hopes and fears and somehow, in the middle of my exhausted ramblings, I feel myself being pulled back to the shore of sanity . 

Somehow God has taken that tiny mustard seed of faith ... and moved this mountain of fear in my mind.

Somehow through getting all of this crud out of my troubled heart and mind and putting it into words - somehow I've exposed the lies that were threatening to drown me ... and I'm not drowning anymore . 

I have my rope . 

And my mustard seed of faith . 

And my beautiful Bunny tucked away inside of me .

And no matter what demons of fear and doubt and worry and unbelief have been plaguing me until now, I am suddenly reminded of this truth. 

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love and of power and of a sound mind. 

No matter what I am feeling, and no matter what the future holds, I need to recognize that God is in control . 

Whatever I'm "feeling" is not from the Lord. It may be from pregnancy hormones or lack of sleep or all the physical things I've gone through lately (kidney stones, endless contractions, heartburn, backaches, and carrying my 12th baby at age 47 to name just a few !) but whatever the cause - God is not the author of it all . He doesn't want me living in emotional torment over things I can't control anyway . He doesn't promise me a perfect future without any shred of heartache or pain, but He does promise me He will never leave me or forsake me through anything I go through . He will be there. 

And he doesn't expect me to handle it all perfectly anyway . 

He knows my weaknesses , He knows I am fragile and weary and HUMAN and ....

He loves me anyway.

In my weakness "His strength is made perfect". 

That means I can stop trying to be this Super Mom I think I'm supposed to be at all times. I never was her anyway, and I never will be. I'm just me, and even if that means I am prone to hiding my fears and worries until they all come boiling to the surface in an ugly way ... that's okay with Him. My hope and trust and faith is in Jesus and HIS ability to carry me through. It was never supposed to be about me anyway . It's the grace of God that will bring me through the unknown - not the perfect faith of Patti .

And now my sweet little Bunny, I am feeling drowsy and comforted and ready to rest in God - both spiritually and emotionally and (miraculously !) physically as well. I'm fading fast so I will post just one picture of you safely sleeping inside of me before I drift into dreamland myself ... 

I love you to the moon and back, Madison Faith. 

And until we meet face to face , I am ..

Always yours,

Mama xoxoxo

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New Born Baby