guardrails

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to every kind person who donated to Tommy Musser's memorial fund. Susanna and Joe are so grateful for your words of encouragement, and for your heartfelt generosity. Any additional amount donated above the funeral costs and headstone will go to The Pleven Project in Tommy's memory.

And having said that ... I have a very hard time posting pictures of happiness here today. It feels almost hurtful to do so, because life is just going on as usual for me, while my friend is grieving. I find myself a hundred times a day wondering how Susanna is coping, and worrying about her tender mama's heart... I have to deliberately turn my worry into prayer, because without that I am helpless and - I'm just being real - hopeless.

Tommy's death isn't about me, and I don't want to try to make it about me... but I'm blogging from my heart here, and I trust that you know my heart if you've been reading here awhile. I have a hard time processing the deaths or tragedies or prolonged illnesses of friends and loved ones. I have a hard time not "carrying" my loved ones' grief. Does that make sense ? It's like I am afraid to enjoy life for awhile after something happens, as if my happiness or joy is somehow dishonoring the pain I know someone else is going through. I have a habit of living vicariously through others' pain, and I don't really know why that is. I can't just read about something difficult happening to someone else, without imagining what they are going through.

This habit has not been a healthy one as far as my mental and emotional health goes.

Years ago I went through an intense bout of depression. I've blogged about it before, and attempted to offer help for others who have maybe gone through similar things. I wish I could say that I know I will never ever have to go through anything that intense again, but life has a way of throwing us curve balls sometimes, doesn't it ? I can't guarantee what the future holds, but I do feel like God has given me some guardrails, if you will, for keeping me out of that pit of despair.

Because I don't ever want to go back to that place of fear and anxiety, I am very very careful about making sure those guardrails are in place, as much as is in my power. I do know that lots of things are beyond my control - the world we live in is not a perfect place, and no matter how diligently I seek to protect myself and my family from the trials of life, they are going to come.

But I also believe that God can give us grace and strength and wisdom in handling things. I am living proof that He can help us to be "overcomers", which is a fancy way of saying He helps us deal with life's crud. We won't ever live a life that is without pain- we're not in Heaven yet - but we can have joy in the midst of sorrow. I do believe that.

One of my favorite authors (who also happens to be a dear friend) says it this way :

"The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is."

~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

And for me, what that means on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis, is that I don't let the moments of joy that are happening right before me - escape me.

I've heard something said before, and when I just looked it up to find the source, I added a new book to my "purchase soon" list.

"Good and bad run on parallel tracks, and they usually arrive at the same time."
~Ron Dunn, When Heaven Is Silent : Trusting God When Life Hurts

Life can be filled with unspeakable pain. Whether that is our own pain and grief, or that of a friend or loved one, it is inescapable : there will be times when it seems Heaven is silent.

If you are one of those who subscribes to the belief that everything happens for a reason, I just have to say : sometimes there are no good "reasons" for the really, really ugly things that happen in life.

We live in a fallen world- this is not Heaven. We are imperfect, the world is imperfect, and we cannot always stuff life into a nicely wrapped package with a bow and declare that it was "meant to be."

Some things in life are so horrific, I promise you -they were never ever ever meant to be.

Life runs on parallel tracks of good and bad, and we cannot focus on either track if we are going to process things healthily.

Choosing to ignore the fact that sometimes people go through things that make absolutely no sense this side of Heaven, turns us into pretty unsympathetic - and let's face it, shallow - people, doesn't it ? It's very easy to wrap up tragedy in a nice tidy cliche, until we're the ones going through it.

On the other hand, there are those who choose to go through life constantly reminding themselves - and perhaps everyone around them - that life is hard. We're all just one tragedy away from disaster, don't you know, and why even pretend to believe in God or any sort of order to anything? Because what good does faith do when we have no control over what happens to us anyway ? I know people who embrace this kind of worldview - I've been there myself - and I can't think of a more hopeless way to live.

We can't casually dismiss other's grief and suffering with trite sayings or cliches, but we also can't allow the fact that life has an ugly side to color our view of everything so heavily that all we see is gray.

I've had a hard time straddling those parallel tracks throughout my life, but I can tell you this : we can find balance when we keep our focus on Jesus.

We can have empathy and compassion for those who are hurting, and we can experience joy and goodness even when we ourselves are the ones going through seasons of grief, when we bring it all before the throne of grace through prayer.

We can immerse ourselves in the thousand gifts that God showers us with every day .... we can choose to let the joy of those blessings penetrate the darkness that threatens to extinguish any hope.

my sixteen year old, teaching Sunday School

Caleb- our junior chef

We can - I can - decide that some things in life are just too heavy for me to carry, and the only way I can move forward is by putting those things into the able hands of my Savior.

"Casting all your cares upon Him, for He careth for you."
1 Peter 5:7

our granddaughter, Macie Blair

I've had to bring a lot to God this summer ... things I don't have the answers to, trials I'm personally going through, situations that are beyond my control. I'm a worrier by nature, but I'm learning to take that worry and turn it into prayer. It's a hard habit to break, but time and experience and the grace of God - they are all there keeping me from that pit of hopelessness I've been to in the past. I'm by no means perfect, but I do know this : in my weakness, His strength is made perfect.

Are you worn down by things you're carrying that are too heavy to bear ? Do the unanswered questions in life have you drowning in despair, or even worse - closing your eyes and your heart to the joy that is right before you ?

I have a guardrail for you to put in place.

You have to choose to do this, because it's not going to come naturally, and you certainly can't do it alone.

"Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

~ Jesus. Matthew 11:28